Even for those of you who don’t have a problem with serious dancing errors, terrible art, and pretending to be lesbian fugitives, this week’s episode was
Remember, kids: the only problem violence ever solved was a previous lack of violence.
That aside, let’s go bush!*
*Not a euphemism for pretending to be lesbian fugitives.**
**Although good euphemism for pretending to be lesbian fugitives, huh.
Kick up some dirt and make comments about an ass’s arse, it’s the ‘We’re The Scrags From The Bush And We’re Back In Town’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model.
Don’t strangle stuff.
See, with totally accurate and meaningful statistical analyses like the Catchphrase Log to see Who Will Be Reality Television’s Most Over Used Catchphrase, a funny thing happens when somebody almost-strangles someone else in the Australian outback.
The thing that happens is: all the phrases that aren’t “Oh my god” pretty much lose.
Early showings for ‘This is my dream’ and ‘Give it my all’ have failed so far to follow through, and the zero next to ‘The camera loves you’ is like a personal insult.
To make myself feel better, I’ve decided to release a country album inspired by this week’s episode, and write fictional song titles and fictional songs to go with my fictional respect for country music.
|Available in all fictional record stores.|
Also, you know how when you first saw the opening credits in episode 2, and you were all like “Success! You’re all winners! Look at those shiny dresses!”, and now that we’re in episode 6, you’re all just like “You’re gone. You’re gone. You’re gone. You’re next”?
Fun, isn’t it?
After Abbie remarks upon the gruesome but totally predictable reality that is the double elimination by saying “The competition’s become, like, a lot realer”, I write my first ever country hit entitled ‘You Don’t Love Me No More Now My English Are Bads Wordings’, and then all of a sudden we’re on a bus in the middle of fucking nowhere.
I know, right. How good is this show.
It’s a long bus trip, and each module finds a different way to pass the time.
Shanali looks out the window of the bus, says “Look! There’s a kangaroo!” and then prepares to say that one thousand more times.
Shannon busies herself with VERY DETERMINED READING and a spot of teddy-strangling.***
***Not a euphemism for what happens when I wear a teddy.****
****Although good euphemism for me wearing a teddy, huh.
Ashley whiles away the hours determining who her main competitors are, commenting that “Melissa got best photo two weeks in a row so we’re gonna have to definitely knock her out this week”. Don’t be silly. Nobody gets knocked out on this show. There is no violence on this show. There is no violence. On this show.
Dajana and Duckie dance in their seats alternating between Vogueing and proper dancing, and doing considerable violence to both. Even though there is no violence on this show.
|Yeah, but it's REVERSE racism, so it's okay. Nobody likes you, Adamant Little Guy.|
When they arrive at their destination, Broken Hill, everybody is instantly and miraculously wearing cowboy hats and checked shirts and saying stupid stuff.
Jade says “Broken Hill is in country New South Wales, like, western of Sydney. Very western. It’s famous for a few movies, I’m pretty sure? Mad Max and um… Brokeback Mountain?”, earning her this week’s trophy:
|The Sweetie No Trophy, For Saying Dumb Shit.|
Plus I just wrote a country song called ‘Ain’t No Mountain, Ain’t No Mountin’, because I am a genius.
Ashley says “There’s a donkey here as well. Nice little donkey, his name’s Dollar. It’s got a booty like Duckie”
|Oh my god, you're right.|
Melissa Sevenhead says “Everyone says I look like Jessie from Toy Story, like the cowgirl, which I don’t really understand”.
|Don't really see it myself.|
Charlotte Dusty Dawson greets the girls and introduces them to Tim Gauci, one of Australia’s greatest line dancers. As Ashley explains:
“Tim’s a lime dancer. He’s actually one of Australia’s best lime dancers, so he’s travelled around the world and stuff doing lime dancing. I think I’m saying it right. Lime dancing”.
|A trophy shared is a trophy mispronounced.|
See, the theme this week is ‘teamwork’, and in order to display ‘teamwork’, the scrags will be ‘line dancing’ and I will be ‘making up country songs’ called ‘You Show Me The Point Of This And I’ll Show You Mine’.
Shannon shows a VERY DETERMINED UNDERSTANDING of teamwork by saying intently “If you don’t take direction, you don’t get your shot, you don’t get booked, and you’re letting down the team behind you trying to get the shot’.
|But most of all, you're letting down Tracy Flick.|
They all learn a line/lime-dancing routine and Abbie and Ashley oh my GOD suck at it. May we move on?
Before moving on, Dajana will remind us of where we are by saying “We. Are. In. The. Middle. Of. Nowhere. And I mean like Wolfe Creek type style like nowhere, like if you had a flat tyre you have no hope of ever getting back to any town ever”, and I will remind us that in order to stereotype Dajana’s cultural heritage, I pretty much just use the word ‘fullee’ a lot.
|I fullee do.|
Diddles and Dawso meet the modules in an open bit of scrub in the middle of another larger open bit of scrub, mention teamwork a bit, talk about some artwork, introduce local artist Cathy Farry, and try not to freak out when Ashley starts to turn into a tree.
|And you thought appendicitis was bad.|
In today’s totally relevant and meaningful challenge, the girls will work in two teams to embody the local environment in a group artwork, using one of their team members as a model. It’s like Rosalie Gascoigne reaching out the car window and plucking up a totally postmodern road sign or, for the lowbrow amongst you, exactly like chucking some dirt at a board.
Everyone gets dressed in “protective” overalls, which protect from neither paint nor physical assault, and try not to freak out when Melissa Sevenhead also starts to turn into a tree.
|She needs a bigger branch because she has a larger... modelling... experience.|
Jade is a talented artist, but Ashley says “I’m not very good at art. I got kicked out of every art lesson at school”. Honey, I used to be an art teacher, and I know for a fact that you pretty much have to murder someone and eat their entrails to get kicked out. Or, like, not know what chiaroscuro means or whatever.
The models pose, the modules paint, and what happens next is OUTRAGEOUS.
Dajana TOTALLY BLOWS FLIES OFF MADDY BANANA PADDY AND TELLS HER SHE HAS GOOD BREASTS.
|I hope someone told A Current Affair.|
Unfortunately (depending on how much you like the colour brown) we never really get to see the finished artworks, because then THE THING HAPPENS.
Now, I know you probably don’t visit this blog for moral guidance, but let’s just say that violence is bad, fun can get out of hand, and a line has to be drawn somewhere, and otherwise I’ll just report what happened without making any jokes about it, okay?
Except for that bit about not making any jokes about it, okay?
After painting, the scrags get a bit excited with the paint and Ashley starts your basic, standard-issue outback paint fight. She smears paint on Dajana with particular enthusiasm, much to Dajana’s disgruntlement (no reason we can’t learn words while we’re learning about life) because she’s wearing a top she borrowed from Taylah. Ashley says “It’s only a joke, don’t take it so seriously”.
IT’S ONLY A JOKE, SEE. DON’T’ TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY, SEE.
Taylah finds out about her ruined top and contributes quite heavily to the ‘oh my god’ tally. Dajana reports to camera that “Taylah went mental. I’m like, this isn’t going to end well at all”.
NOT GOING TO END WELL, SEE. AT ALL, SEE.
Taylah, with a smile on her face, says “I’m gonna fucking strangle you”.
GONNA, SEE. STRANGLE HER, SEE.
I take a quick break to write a country/pop cross-over song called “I Think I Wanna Strangle You”, when Taylah makes sure we’re all aware of her intentions.
“I’m literally gonna strangle her”, she says.
LITERALLY, SEE. STRANGLE HER, SEE.
Then Taylah, completely by surprise, play-strangles Ashley. Or does the Hokey-Pokey. I can never tell those two things apart.
|You put your left hand in...|
|You put your left hand out...|
|You do the Hokey Pokey...|
|And you push it into a bush and make the facebook page go MENTAL.|
Ashley gets upset so Shannon offers her some VERY DETERMINED COMFORT...
...while Ashley snuffles that phrase we all use once or twice a day: “They said these were meant to protect our clothes, she didn’t have to strangle me”.
To sum up, let’s get the ethnic sterotype rundown from Dajana.
|Your anatomical vocabulary is fuckin' sick, ay.|
Um, what do you MEAN, ‘Who won the painting challenge’? Are you new here? God.
To start off the phoy-toy shoot this week, I’ve written a country song entitled ‘Let’s Put All That Nastiness Behind Us And Get Nasty’. Diddles agrees and meets the scrags just to the left of the middle of nowhere, where he introduces photographer Jordan Graham. Jordan Graham’s three main skills are fashion photography, being a dude with two first names, and having a beard on both the top and the bottom of his head.
|Whereas my main skill is making the same double-beard joke that I did in Series 7.|
In keeping with the teamwork theme, the girls will be shot today in pairs, as desert fugitive lesbians on the run. They’re given Thelma & Louise as inspirational examples, so I can only suggest that after the shoot’s over someone needs to count the bodies and burning trucks. Jade’s excited because as we know, she loves movies about gay cowboys.
Dajana describes the shoot as intense, sexy, and ‘kinda like, lesby’. I’d scoff, but I’m going to admit something right now – for the next twenty minutes I’m pretty sure my sexuality turns right at Sapphic Avenue and then goes straight down. It’s like rock meets dirt meets danger meets sex meets pleather. I’m getting all flustered. Pass me some water and a penis.
Abbie and Duckie are first up, lazing around on a crumpled windmill, because that’s a thing. Abbie explodes hotness from every three-metre-long limb and anyone who didn’t get her before probably does now or else blind. Uncharacteristically, Duckie has trouble with the shoot, and complains a little about circulation in her legs and the endless flies. Jordan NameName says “I need you to model that fly-swatting”. You may laugh, but all the greats have done it.
Maddy and Jade are next, dressed as Joan Jett and Joan Jetter. They model in and on an abandoned car, and they’ve come up with characters for themselves. As Jade says, “We’re pretending we go round the country and we murder bad men”. Seriously, even my couch cushions are lesbians now. Jade absolutely nails the shoot, and once she stops worrying about accidentally flashing a nipple (HNNNNG), so does Maddy Banana Paddy. Jordan NameName says “Don’t worry about your ‘ladies’ – if they come out, I’ll retouch them’. Around Australia, thousands of teenage boys vow to make that their next pickup line.
Dajana, after a quick toenail removal because someone’s already strangled someone so what’s the difference, models with a VERY DETERMINED SHANNON.
Draping themselves over a Hills Hoist, Jordan NameName asks “Who’s the tough one and who’s the soft one?”. Before anyone can blink, Shannon immediately says “I’M TOUGH!”.
Diddles doubts how tough Ashley and Melissa can be, considering their sweet demeanours, girlish looks, and the fact that both of them turned into trees earlier. Ashley comes through with toughness in spades, but beyond saying “I’m tough! (giggle)”, Melissa doesn’t squirt excellence all over the screen as she usually does. Yeah, I said squirt. I’m a temporary lesbian now.
Finally it’s Shanali and Taylah’s turn, and I’M NOT EVEN JOKING, LET’S GET MARRIED, I’LL PAY FOR THE WEDDING.
|Seriously, it's only legislation that's stopping me at this point.|
Back in the big smoke we run quickly through the prizes, which I think this year include four wire coathangers and a cronut, then we’re stomping into the Eliminatorium in our city clothes, ready to hear our fate. Screamin’ J. Hawkins is there in shiny black, but she neglects to introduce Dawso and Diddles, probably because she’s so excited to see guest judge, Jez ‘Chest’ Smith, as I am.
HIIIIIII CHEST SMITH! You are the only excuse I will accept for missing out on the opportunity to compare Shiny Alex Perry to something that either squints or holds picnic food this week.
Judges look through the photos with a clutch of notable moments:
They LOVE Abbie’s shot, and call her an ‘absolute Amazon’. So now I want vodka. Mind you, I wanted vodka back at the strangling, so no biggie.
|In moderation, yo.|
Dawso describes Abbie and Duckie’s shot as ‘Dude, my windmill’s collapsed and I’ve hurt my knee’, which coincidentally is also the title of one of my bitchin’ new country songs.
Shannon struts up to the desk with her traditional determination, only to be told by Chest Smith that ‘There’s one person in control in that picture, and it’s not you’.
It’s noted that Melissa Sevenhead has trouble with the looking-tough thang, and Dawso sums up nicely with ‘It happens a lot to girls with your look. You try to look tough and you look constipated. It looks like ‘Oh god, the car’s broken down and I’m dying for a wee’. IT’S ALWAYS THE FRIGGING TOILET WITH YOU, ISN’T IT DAWSON.
Dajana is wearing too much lipstick, Jade and Maddy Banana Paddy impress everyone, Duckie is disappointed, Ashley is proud of herself, and then.
It’s time for these faces.
Whaddaya reckon, Amazing Psychic Desk?
|Totally, Amazing Psychic Desk.|
Let’s not even pretend that this wasn’t coming. Let’s not even pretend that the subsequent pretending-it’s-between-Duckie-and-Melissa-Sevenhead-but-then-not-eliminating-anybody-else thing fooled us for even a second.
Of course, Taylah from Western Austraylah is disqualified and eliminated.
The only thing we’re not sure of, in Shiny Alex Perry’s absence, is where the lasers are coming from this week.
Of course! Chest Smith's Laser-Nipples.
|Pew pew, my friends. Pew. Pew.|
Hey, you strangle someone, you get kicked out. That’s just a fact of life. HEY, WAIT! That’s the name of a TV show that ALSO has one black girl in it! Good enough for me.
Bye, Taylah. You were an amazing model, and if circumstances were different, you would have really killed it.
To be clear, I mean 'killed it' as a metaphor.
Either way, any last words?